Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
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Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
🙋♀️
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?