Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Realize this:
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
S M O L
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.