If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
-Give it to me straight doc.
-You’ll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You’ll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
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After seeing some of the names on kids these days, you wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
All of my suspicions are sneaking around.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.