@peeznuts

-Give it to me straight doc.
-You’ll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You’ll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.

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@BriarSlyMadness

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

@Shock_Monster

After seeing some of the names on kids these days, you wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.

@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

@TheBoydP

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

@KrunkedRobot

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

@alexapelagio

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????

@blondecalamity

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

@sixfootcandy

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.