Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone鈥檚 shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Dad鈥檚 in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I鈥檝e told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn鈥檛 see the funny side and now I鈥檓 out of the will.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it鈥檚 a chippy chip
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It鈥檚 inappropriate, and you鈥檙e talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I know this now 馃槀
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I鈥檓 going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won鈥檛 be.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Technically it was only Jesus鈥檚 last supper.