@carlyken

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

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@WorkaholicBlake

Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.

@Midgetspar

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

@SortaBad

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

@T_N_Crumpets

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

@timdonakowski

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

@TheAlexNevil

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

@Caissie

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@TheTalkingPipe

Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.