@carlyken

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

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@JessObsess

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

@Social_Mime

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

@ipalatsky

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

@ComedicBust

I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.

@Thynebear

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

@FeverFlave

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

@sarahclazarus

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave