Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
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In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave