Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
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ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
lmfao come on
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Succinctly put.