@dreamthievin

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

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@imadepoopstoday

Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.

@sips_whiskey

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

@TheAndrewNadeau

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

@ChaseMit

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

@TheBoydP

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

@adult_mom

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

@TheTobbie

Is it racist that I’ve been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she’s actually 5 white chicks?…

@Crutnacker

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

@Owl_Meat

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead