Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
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My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!