Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.