Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
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Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?