@prettysadmostly

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

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@redthe1

Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit “copy”

*hope

@mjmimages

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

@shutupmikeginn

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

@GregorJFord

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

@kibblesmith

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

@Adam14

Calling a girl “honey” is ok.

Calling a girl “bee vomit” is not ok.

I’m a relationship expert.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

@BavlyOlwy

“what do we want?” “faster Internet!” “when do we want it?”. Loading…