give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me