@prettysadmostly

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

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@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

@hookmeupinit

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

@

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@Shut_up_Marissa

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

@BubblesnBooze

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

@mrjohndarby

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

@treywafer

Her: wanna dance?
Me: I’m never gonna dance again
Her: why?
Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm
Her: ?
Me: sorry, I’m old…*Fml*

@MischievousJam

I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.

BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food