Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Her: wanna dance?
Me: I’m never gonna dance again
Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm
Me: sorry, I’m old…*Fml*
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.
BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out