“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
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Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”