@divatulips

Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.

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@SunshineJarboly

one time my friend heard that i had the flu & proceeded to tell me that he never got sick &, in fact, he was so healthy he hadn’t been sick in years, so i gently placed my hand on his shoulder, looked him directly in the eyes & whispered, “you’re sick in a different way.”

@dave_cactus

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

@ArfMeasures

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

@sir_shithead_I

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

@BoogTweets

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

@markleggett

How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.

@GeorgiaSweet20

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

@AbbiGreenGiant

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

@LuckoftheDraw86

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!