What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I’m giving up ice.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.