one time my friend heard that i had the flu & proceeded to tell me that he never got sick &, in fact, he was so healthy he hadn’t been sick in years, so i gently placed my hand on his shoulder, looked him directly in the eyes & whispered, “you’re sick in a different way.”
Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.
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ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!