Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.

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Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.


me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage


I donate blood once a month. It’s not mine but I know I’m making a real difference.


“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?


“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.


[first date]



*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*


pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there


Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.