Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.