Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening