@portmanteauface

Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters

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@weinerdog4life

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

@3sunzzz

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

@justmiche74

If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto

@kieransofar

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

@junejuly12

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

@AmericanGent69

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

@Shelts99

If you’ve watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times.

You’ve pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.

@ThePocketJustin

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?