@weinerdog4life
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
@portmanteauface
Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters
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@weinerdog4life
@3sunzzz
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
@justmiche74
If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto
@kieransofar
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
@junejuly12
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
@AmericanGent69
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
@GrantTanaka
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
@Shelts99
If you’ve watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times.
You’ve pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.
@ThePocketJustin
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?