@portmanteauface

Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters

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@SvnSxty

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

@chuuew

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

@noellebean

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

@ThisOneSayz

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

@simoncholland

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

@BubblesnBooze

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.