Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters

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y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that


[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me


I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.


The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high


My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.


My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.