one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
If you’ve watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times.
You’ve pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?