Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
A wise man once said nothing.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”