The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
When life hands you women, make women laid.
latin is a dead language because they kept summoning demons by accident during regular conversations
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy