Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular