@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”thatUPSdude”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3022333640/5ea6ba9db8fde5cc05ad6cf7d9c52e36_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329242784039063552″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”46″;s:5:”tweet”;s:86:”Give me that, let me show you how it’s done.

~Things I say before requiring stitches.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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@macchiatonumb

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

@daemonic3

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

@Chloestylo

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

@FrogAvalanche

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

@AristotlesNZ

Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?

@HatfieldAnne

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

@Jake_Vig

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

@TheBoydP

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.