Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
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My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.