a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”thatUPSdude”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3022333640/5ea6ba9db8fde5cc05ad6cf7d9c52e36_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329242784039063552″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”46″;s:5:”tweet”;s:86:”Give me that, let me show you how it’s done.

~Things I say before requiring stitches.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine


I decided to be faithful to my boyfriend. I think I’m really in love this time! I don’t recall ever feeling like this before.

My husband:


brain: bounce leg

me: why

brain: bounce

me: ok that’s fair

brain: now crack knockles


*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!


Why do people ask “What were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.


Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.


My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.


My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.