@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”thatUPSdude”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3022333640/5ea6ba9db8fde5cc05ad6cf7d9c52e36_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329242784039063552″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”46″;s:5:”tweet”;s:86:”Give me that, let me show you how it’s done.

~Things I say before requiring stitches.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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@Contwixt

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

@DiamondLou69

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

@ilovepie84

I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure

@BMCarbaugh

At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread

@longwall26

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

@YUCKYBOT

Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

@ColorMeScradd

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…