Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Hitlers gonna hitl
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window