“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.