Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Doctors texting each other.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good