Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
You Might Also Like
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.