@Vice_Queen
@kevinrowe1
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
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@kevinrowe1
@D_empiricist
Nollywood movies would legit explain the whole movie to you in the title. 💔😂
@arcadeseals
[my brain going to party]
general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?
social anxiety: what if they don’t?
@Shade510
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
@krispythehuman
How to use eyeliner:
1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids
2. Oops too thick, try to even them out
3. Colour your whole face in
@jellybnbonanza
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
@DalrympleWill
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
@truegritrumble
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
@BunAndLeggings
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
@Maxine12333
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.