cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.
I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.
Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David