@Mr_Meowwwgi

Give me your water, Human!

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@CornOnTheGoblin

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

@LizHackett

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

@smilely_gal

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

@BadaBinge

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

@drinksmcgee

Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.

@NakedHangover

I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.

@flyafuckingkite

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.

@amitjain1002

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

@Xoolun

I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.

Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David