boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
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a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
the noise i just made
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…