@kumailn

“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”

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@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

@ArrogantBB8

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

@CakeThrottle

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

@portmanteauface

Me: Hello, yes, I’d like one Big Mac please, no cyanide

McDonalds worker: cyanide?

Me: you know what fine

@antheanton

Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!

@InternetHippo

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

@UniqueDude2

ME: fine, judge me. judge me for loving too much, for caring too much-
JUDGE: you’re on trial for murder
ME: for murdering too much

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream?

Me: It’s freezing outside.

4: I know. It won’t melt.

@Alex_but_online

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved