@kumailn

“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”

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@NicestHippo

Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it

@OtherDanOBrien

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

@tyrion1

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

@thatdutchperson

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

@FeelParmesan

*On a first date.

Her: I’m just tired of all the games

Me: *slowly slides the deck of UNO cards back in my coat pocket

@KattsDogma

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

@BlindChow

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

@3sunzzz

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

@ranndrew

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

@Brianhopecomedy

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.