@kumailn

“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”

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@hazelmotes1

You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.

@jazz_inmypants

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car 🙂

Guy from UP: my wife died.

Everyone:

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

@Man_wonders

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

@iscoff

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

@ShootyDoody

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

@salamingia

You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.

@BoomBoomBetty

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

@behindyourback

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

@rachellinfox

Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.

My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.

Solidifying my black sheep status