“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”

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If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.

They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.


As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.


Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.


Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.


Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.


My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell “ARF, ARF” like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth


I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.


Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch


I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.


FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.