Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
What do you hear?
He just like my cat fr
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
when dads have a rap battle
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
HERE’S MARKY