My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
You Might Also Like
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now