Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
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Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —