Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
You Might Also Like
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
fired
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.