Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’