Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

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I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.


“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.


#IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.


C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.


Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle



me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks


If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry


The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat


WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*


I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.