Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo