Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
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Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
this chia pet tastes awful
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I need a headline like this