@dshack8

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

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@rickkondell

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@Jarhead44

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@HavocMantis

You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.

@Ivsy01

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

@elunatyk

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

@BigJDubz

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

@internetluke

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan