Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

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Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming


If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.


David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.


You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.


Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.


There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.


One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it


[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan