Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
You Might Also Like
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
wife: tell me her name
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.