john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Self-cleaning conscience
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Previously On Persistence 😎
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”