*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

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“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”


H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.


what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented


[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic


[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired


A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.


Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.


last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window


I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.