“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.