*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen