[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*