Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling