In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*