*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
You Might Also Like
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”