*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”