@McGrumpenstein

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

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@rebrafsim

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

@bea_ker

“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

*another coffin slowly rises behind him*

@TheWinegasm

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

@JustMeTurtle

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

@aparnapkin

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@rockymomax

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

@marbletonemedia

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles