Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog