*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
You Might Also Like
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing