*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
never forget
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.