@KeetPotato

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

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@SergioValenCo

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.

@KimmyMonte

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

@sween

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

@jordan_stratton

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

@TheMichaelRock

The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.

@dshack8

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

@a_simpl_man

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@jnrbtsn

The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.