@KeetPotato

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

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@WheelTod

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

@shawn_spree

My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.

@FrogAvalanche

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

@trojansauce

[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*

@EndhooS

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

@SentenceReduced

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

@Parentpains

When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.

@illuminatedwndr

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

@thenatewolf

DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team

ME: No I’m not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?