People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
E: My name is..
E: Hi! My name is..
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team
ME: No I’m not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?