*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Challenge accepted.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.