[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
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I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Extremely relatable.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.