[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away