Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.