Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
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How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
pelicons
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan