*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Stonehinge
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa