Giving away valuable art secrets.

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Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages


Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.


Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.


A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.


Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.



You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”


Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life


People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.


Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on