@TheUnderfold

Giving away valuable art secrets.

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@david8hughes

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

@Social_Mime

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

@QwertyJones3

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

@lmegordon

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

@theshantilly

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

@KevinFarzad

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

@SSparklesDaily

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

@TheUnderfold

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on