@TheUnderfold

Giving away valuable art secrets.

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@protolalia

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

@AbbyHasIssues

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@KattsDogma

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

@lazerdoov

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

@Sassafrantz

Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It’s always “KILL” or “MURDER” or “YOU’RE OUT OF NUTELLA”

@Gupton68

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

@mack44_d

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’