Giving away valuable art secrets.

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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.


I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.


“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn


Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice


Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It’s always “KILL” or “MURDER” or “YOU’RE OUT OF NUTELLA”


[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you


*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’